UGH! I am so behind.

I didn't mean to start something that I would end up feeling BEHIND on, and/or worrying that I'm not doing a good job with. Phooey!!!

I have been insanely busy with my family and my eating (takes longer to eat well, I'm sure you all have noticed!) (more expensive, too) and my exercising. I have at least one "draft" entry that I don't know how to get back to, so I will just worry about THIS entry.

I have had one sugar breach - last Friday. It was so goofy on my part, and I'm pleased to say it was minor and didn't spawn a huge gorgefest. I was spending the day with a friend of mine, and all our kids, and hadn't yet told her that I'm doing any of this. I brought a lot of my own food for snacking, but by evening time, once the husbands joined us, we were all hungry and decided to get Indian food. After that, they brought out this yummy ice cream that we have all shared in the past, and I just felt odd about refusing, like it would lead to a whole big long explanation of everything I'm doing, which I didn't want to get into. So I had a tiny little bowlful of it (my daughter even commented on how "pathetic" my portion was) and tried to be inconspicuous. I was so focused on just "appearing" normal that I actually had to remind myself at one point - hey! I'm eating ice cream! I usually love this stuff, so I ought to pay attention! The whole experience was weird - I didn't really enjoy it because I was so distracted by the mental part of it, but also it didn't taste all that good to me anymore. It's this brand called "Slow Churned" which is a lightened-up version of premium ice cream, and they have all sorts of great flavors. This was some sort of chocolate mess, I can't even remember what it had added to it. I usually LOVE any flavor of the stuff, but I was unimpressed. Maybe I've just gotten a lot more discerning, or maybe I was picking up on the overly sweetness of it (which always seems to happen when they take the fat content down). But the chocolate flavor was not "true," and all I could really register was SWEET. I just didn't much care for it. In the future, if/when I choose to eat sugar, it MUST be worth it! Maybe I'll go back to premium ice cream, but only have it a few times year. I don't know. Anyway - later that night, I briefly entertained the idea of hunting down stuff I really DO like, but it just sounded tiring and I knew I wanted to stick with what I've been doing. So I didn't. Woke up Saturday morning, went right back to my no-sugar ways. It's AMAZING how much simpler this all is when my thinking isn't compromised by addiction.

As far as my nutrition/exercise program, I am chugging along with that. I found out, based on some overall baseline health measurements they took when I started, that I have a really high aerobic capacity (it's based on this thing called your VO2, which has to do with how efficiently your heart can pump oxygen to your muscles when you're exercising). They said, "You have the VO2 of an athlete. You should be running marathons." No pressure, right?????!!!!! It was pretty cool to hear that my heart is so healthy, but it translates to mean that I have to work out a LOT harder than I thought in order to actually get the results I want. I guess that explains how I was able to go to the gym 5 days a week from January through April and not lose an ounce!! In other words, I have been both fit and fat for quite a while now. My current goals, in addition to cleaning up my eating and staying off caffeine and sugar, are to tone up and lose weight. Although I am following what feels like a somewhat rigid program, the weight loss is excruciatingly slow. At last check, I had lost just over a pound in 2 weeks. I'll step on the scale tonight and see what it says. I really need to see some results in order to stay motivated. One of the leaders told me my metabolism is "dead" and that I have to wake it up! Apparently the main way you do that is by eating frequently (I'm supposed to be eating every three hours, but I don't always hit it) and building muscle (lifting weights, which I'm doing). So I've been doing the best I can with all of this, but am feeling a little frustrated and a little confined by the intense structure of the eating. I'm liking the working out, though, even though I have to push it so much harder than I used to. (I'm a pretty stubborn person and tend to like a challenge.)

On another subject, I have realized that there is some caffeine sneaking back in to my diet on a ever-more-regular basis. Whereas a few weeks ago I was getting a one-quarter caffeinated latte every few weeks, now I'm doing it several times a week, and sometimes getting gas station coffee - which I mix 3/4 decaf to 1/4 caf. Also drinking some diet soda here and there, which is awful, nasty stuff that I WISH my husband would stop drinking!!! (If it wasn't in the house, I wouldn't touch the stuff more than once or twice a year.) One thing I'm noticing is that I am TIRED. I think the working out is taking a toll, and I think my energy isn't great on some days because I'm a little hungry. I'm eating well - lots of protein and veggies, some fruit and whole grains - but just not always a lot. I'm trying to increase how much I sleep, which for me means going from 6 hours to 8. I think I could sleep 10 some nights, but I don't seem to be able to make the time for that. Anyway, I think I'm turning to caffeine because I'm trying to raise my energy level. I really want to back off it, though. It was hard to get off it, and I don't want to have to go through that again.

Sheesh, this was long and I haven't read anybody else's blog yet. My oldest daughter is with my almost 6-year-old at the pool, my younger daughter is at camp for another hour or so, and my 2.5 year old is asleep on the couch! I'm working on this quilt for my son's birthday and am so excited about how it's turning out! I will definitely post a picture of it when I get it finished. Anyway - this is my window to do that without the birthday boy around, so I'm going to get to it. I'll have to read blogs/comment later.

Thanks to whoever is out there and still interested enough to read this, even though I've been such an infrequent visitor lately!

:-) Kitchy

It's Day 18

I counted, just so I'd know where I am. Day 18!! YEAH!!!

IT'S AUGUST!

Hello all you sugar-freebies out there,
I can't believe I've let a full week go by. I don't even remember what sugar-free day this is for me, I'll have to count. I'm still going strong and feeling well, though a little frustrated that the weight isn't just falling right off me. My clothes are fitting looser, and I'm able to wear some shorts I wore last summer that have just been obscenely tight until now. So I'll try to focus on that. Meanwhile, I am picturing a future where I am a slender, lean person. That probably means about 20 pounds lighter than I am now. I'll be so happy when that day comes. It's truly how I feel on the inside - I have to believe I can get to the point where my outside will reflect that.
SUGAR. Whew. I guess I didn't realize (or didn't want to believe) that this was going to be an ongoing battle, in spite of the fact that both the real cravings and the habit itself are mostly gone. I think this must be similar to alcoholics who are in recovery... they aren't supposed to ever use the term "recovered alcoholic" because the recovery is always ongoing, one day at a time. So I guess i'm a recovering sugar addict. It's still something I turn to in my mind, especially when I'm stressed. But I don't actually indulge it anymore, so that's a huge difference.
My 10-week program is going well. This Wednesday will mark the end of week 2, and I will find out if I've lost a couple of pounds. Don't want to be too focused on that, but also I have to know!!! I'm really thrilled that the physical activity is going so well and my hip and shoulder aren't preventing me from going full out. I am going to a really hard step class tonight and looking forward to it. I'm still going strong on that comment about being an athlete and have actually started to think of myself that way. It's interesting, how that affects what I put in my body... considering myself an athlete makes me want to take the best care of myself and nourish myself with the best possible food. OK, yeah, I still want the sugar. But it's quicker for me to see the reason not to put it in there if I think of myself as an athlete, rather than just a frazzled mom along with the rest of the world! Hey, whatever works, ya know? Hugs and best wishes to all -
- :-) Kitchy

Monday night cobbler

I had a good experience tonight. After a great dinner (marinated and broiled veggies, tofu and chicken), I made a blackberry cobbler with berries my daughter picked. Of course the recipe had sugar in it, and flour as well. I buy organic on both from a food co-op, which I feel better about than just using Pillsbury or something. Anyway - I didn't go nuts about it all. Had a bowl of cobbler with plain yogurt on it, which isn't really on my food plan but doesn't break my sugar rule. After a week+ with nearly no sugar, it was just delicious. I think in the past, it wouldn't have been sweet enough for me, but it was really good, and I feel fine about it and like it was OK to enjoy it and I didn't need to go into sugar hyperdrive. Makes me think that maybe i'll figure it out some day, how to have the occasional sweet when it's really worth it, and leave it alone the rest of the time. I'll be curious to see if tomorrow is any harder or more craving-filled...

Day 9? Really?

I'm feeling a little sore today from working out. I kind of like that feeling, actually. My hip and shoulder are not bothering me anywhere near as much as I thought they might. Both still hurting, but not bad at all. In fact, not really any worse than they were during several months of inactivity. So that's good!
Anyone want to share ideas for sugar-free indulgences? This NEVER would've worked for me a few months ago, but my night-time treat right now is to put a bunch of frozen strawberries (we always have them in the freezer for smoothies) into a glass, then pour vanilla soy milk over them. I drink it with a straw, but I spend most of the time jamming the straw into the berries, trying to turn them slushy so I can drink them. It is kind of fun, and it takes a while to get through the whole glass, since the strawberries are frozen pretty hard.
Any others?

Can it really be Day 8??

Hello, I'm still out here, just been slammed. Things are going OK, but this afternoon/evening, I had MAJOR cravings. I took my second daughter and two of her friends to the movies, and I almost always eat crap food there. Well, sugar was out, and with the nutrition program I'm doing, popcorn was not an option either. Plus we had just eaten dinner right before we got there, so no food was actually needed. (not that I've ever let that stop me in the past) Anyway, about halfway through the movie I decided to go and get a Diet Coke, which is still crap food, really, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm off caffeine solidly enough to manage an occasional soda (or a 1/4 caffeinated latte which the good people at Starbucks make for me without flinching) once in a while. The Diet Coke helped - it felt like a treat, actually, and then I was able to watch the rest of the movie without feeling like I was missing something.
After the movie, I took the girls to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream. I went in knowing there was nothing there for me, and found it surprisingly easy to just be matter of fact about not having anything myself. I just ate a huge red apple, cold out of the fridge, and it was really good.
The exercise part of my program is going well. On Thursday night, at the end of our first workout session, we were stretching out and one of the leaders was next to me. The main guy who runs it is a former professional football player, and all of his assistants are these really buff young girls except for this one guy, Jimmy, who is an older man and looks to be in excellent shape. So Jimmy had been hanging around chatting with me while I was on the cross-trainer, and later had helped me adjust one of the weight machines and noticed out loud that I have really strong legs. During the cool-down he said sort of quietly, "We're gonna get you in shape!" and I said "Well, I hope so." And he looked me right in the eyes and said, "There is no reason for you not to be an athlete. You ARE an athlete." It was such a great compliment because I knew he'd been watching me work out, in my clingy (didn't used to be) black shorts with my butt bouncing along behind me!!!! I just was so flattered that he said that. And it wasn't in any way a flirting comment or a sexual innuendo or anything - this whole program is about getting in shape, and these people really know their stuff. And I think with as heavy and sluggish as I've been feeling this summer, it was just a wonderful antidote to be told that! So yay.
In general, I've been feeling so grateful that I've spent significant portions of my life being an exerciser! Even though I've been inactive for a few months, there is evidently some level of conditioning still with me, because the two sessions so far have been invigorating and exciting for me. Some of the people doing this program are hugely overweight, and don't look as though they've ever done regular activity. I'm glad that I can handle it without gasping for air or feeling like I'm going to die.
Ironically, No Shug, the day you were having such a low point, I ended up having one as well. It hit me full force in the afternoon, and I'm not sure how much of it was food-related, but I got completely overwhelmed with life. I was supposed to do this volunteer thing for my kids' swim team, and I had done the first half, but not the second half of the job, which was basically tallying a bunch of papers. My younger boy was asleep, but the older was being a total hellion all afternoon, and the girls had a friend over and kept needing my help for one million various and sundry things, so even though I kept trying to get to the papers, I never did. I thought I had til 5, and that I could sit up at the pool and finish up, while the girls did their 4:00 practice. But it turned out that they were needed by 4, and the woman who was collecting them for me was waiting at the pool. She was very stressed, and she really flipped out that they weren't done, and I ended up having a total breakdown in my car. Like, sobbing my guts out, and being pissy in front of the girls' friend, and being unable to take the boys into the pool to swim even though they'd been looking forward to it all afternoon. It was not pretty. I kept telling myself, "OK, this is a summer swim program for pete's sake!!!!!! Nobody is dead because I didn't get these papers tallied in time." But it still took a while for me to calm down. I WAS hungry, too. Plus have my period. Plus it's SO HOT and I have poison ivy all over my side and my stomach and arms. (What a miserable stinking weed THAT is.) So maybe it was just everything all together that snuck up and took me down so hard. In any case, I'm glad it's over.
I want to comment on other stuff, but I'm falling asleep sitting here, so I'm going to bed. Thanks for listening! I'll write more ASAP.
- Kitchy

Feeling Good on Day 5

I am starting to feel better. Got my boys out of bed early(ish) and took a walk to the river to eat a brown-bag breakfast. Had an appointment with a life coach I've starting seeing once a month - this was meeting #2, and it was good. I just love her. Then took the boys to the pool where my older son took a swim lesson, and miraculously (to me) LEARNED TO SWIM!!!!! He has been close, but very resistant to following any pointers from me. I got him a lesson with one of the swim team coaches, and voila! He swims. I was so proud I could've split right open. (eww)
Also, my nutrition/fitness program started tonight and will continue for 10 weeks. Wednesday nights are lecture, then Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday are exercise sessions. It's a huge time commitment for someone with four kids, and I nearly choked at the cost when I first looked into it. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much it was really worth it. Plus - the cost of all that crap I was eating is no longer an issue, so that will help absorb the cost of my program. I'm including a link to it just in case you're curious: http://ezhealthinstitute.com/home.htm
I was totally blown away by the lecture tonight. Ray began by talking about what is happening in American society right now: He drew a car on a road, with a gas tank reading "full." Then he drew a gas station a few inches away. He said that what we are doing is essentially going around with a full tank of gas all the time, yet stopping for more gas every hour and a half!!! He said that "cravings" are driving the car. He and his wife, Madge, are co-leaders of the program. The goal is to put together the nutrition piece of things and the exercise piece of things to achieve optimal health. They talked SO MUCH about cravings, and about how our standard diet has become so abnormal that our bodies - in spite of how many systems we have in place for maintaining health - are responding in an abnormal way: gaining weight, feeling sluggish, getting ill, and yet craving the very foods that keep us that way. There was a lot of scientific stuff about how blood sugar is regulated by the body, and why that is so important, and about how different foods help or hinder that process.
One thing I found especially interesting is the idea that grains, even though they are nutritious (in their unrefined, whole form) are a relatively new item in our diet, coming along only in the past 2,000 years or so. I guess I knew that, but I just never brought it into focus. They are not telling us to give up grains or anything like that at all, but just pointing out that we were very well-nourished and our health flourished before we ever added grains to our diet. Also that grains - especially in the form in which they're commonly found nowadays - deliver a pretty big hit of glucose to the body, and don't have the fiber of fruits and veggies to help slow down the impact.
Also, they told us about a Dr. Ludwig, working out of Harvard, who is really into this issue. (Look him up, he's done some neat studies!) In one study, he tested the blood sugar levels of a group of teenage boys (all 30+ pounds overweight) for 24 hours. On their regular diets, their blood sugar levels swung way high and then way low throughout the day. Then, he made two groups, who consumed the exact same number of calories, but one group's diet was sugar-controlled, while the other kept on eating their regular fare. In ONE DAY, the sugar-controlled group had stabilized their blood sugar levels to normal. The other group kept on with their swings. But this is the kicker - he then told them the experiment was over, and he thanked them for their help. He gave them vouchers for the cafeteria and invited them to get something to eat on their way out. But (of course!) he was still watching them. The group whose blood-sugar had normalized consumed an average of 800 calories. Yes, too much in one sitting, but get this - the other group, whose blood sugar levels were still surging and plunging, consumed an average of 2,100 calories!!! That's the kind of havoc that out-of-whack blood sugar levels can wreak. I just thought that was amazing and frightening and inspiring.
Anyway - this is all such a perfect fit for me right now, and I am SO GLAD I've already begun the sugar detoxing process. This first week of this program is pretty intense - you have to weigh your food and write down everything you eat, and that is such a pain in the butt. But I'm going to do it because I want this to work. I can't imagine trying to pay attention to all that minutae in the first couple groggy days of getting off sugar. Anyway, my house is trashed and I need to straighten up before I go upstairs and become unconscious. Hooray for the no sugar life!
- Kitchy

copping a 'tude of extreme gratitude (dude)

I just want to say THANK YOU to Denny and noshug (my new nickname for No Sugar Mama, do you mind?). It is INCREDIBLY helpful to know that this day is "officially" one of the hard ones. Kind of like when my midwife told me to expect the 5th day postpartum to be the worst. It was true, too, but I knew not to take it too seriously and to just keep on slogging through, even though I was bawling every chance I got. Anyway -maybe this day of the sugar journey is like the postpartum thing, and it means I'm transitioning out of one thing and into another. Transitioning into a period of health in which my body will have to learn how to make its own energy instead of getting constant pick-me-ups which end up exacting a huge toll.
And you're right about scales, too. I KNOW they're stupid, but I'm a little afraid to put it away completely. I did that at some point in my life, for an extended period of time, and I think that's when I bumped up from the high 120s to the high 130s. Still, I know it's really REALLY foolish and unwarranted to base my entire state of mental health on a dumb little (or big!) number. Gotta work on that one. Maybe when I'm feeling good and steady and strong and fit, I'll be able to let the whole scale thing go.
Just poured a glass of vanilla soy milk over five big fat frozen strawberries. Man, did this stuff always taste this good?????
I am going to do this. I AM doing it! You guys are the most amazing support system. Thank you.

I'm not sleeping

In the photo, I mean. If you zoom in and think I'm taking a nap on my feet, I'm not. Neither was my daughter in the tie-dye, whose eyes are also closed. The nice tourist who took our picture just caught us at the wrong moment!

I'm annoyed today. I woke up feeling LIGHTER than I have in days, got on the scale, and POOF, I'd gained two pounds. My stomach is totally funky and weird today, growling and churning and just not happy. I'm eating more by the clock than by my feelings, because I have a hard time staying in touch with my actual hunger, and I tend to either overeat (nibble nibble all day) or undereat (go for HOURS without eating and then realize I'm ravenous and must eat the entire contents of my pantry).
But I still think I'm ending up overeating. I feel bloated and head-achy and yukky. And sweaty and heavy. (It is 100 degrees here today, so that ain't helping.) I'm about to take my boys up to the pool and am seriously debating whether to even put ON a swimsuit. YUCK.

Not that anyone asked, but I think this is what I've eaten today:
"Weetabix" cereal with skim milk (8 am)
handful of almonds, pear, one mini muffin (11)
one rice paper roll with tofu (1)
p.b and jelly crust (those of you with toddlers recognize this item), Ak-Mak cracker with peanut butter, blueberry yogurt (around 2:30)

I can't decide if this is just way too much, or if it's OK. I also think my metabolism is really slowing down lately. It's usually been pretty good - not fast, exactly, but high enough to offset the relatively big appetite I have. I mean, I'm not skinny, but I have stayed relatively stable in spite of being a big eater. But with this latest halt of any activity, and with being 41, I'm afraid things are changing... my program begins tomorrow night, so hopefully that will help me get things figured out.

The good news, which I really need to focus on:
NO SUGAR!

a photo

YAY! I finally figured out how to do this. Just thought I would show you all my family. This is us at the beach at the end of last summer. Since then, the boys are taller, and the girls are both taller and slimmer. My hair is super short now, and I am less fit. Very depressing. But you'd still recognize us after seeing this photo!